Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

September Already :-(

Well my littlest man will offically be one on 9/26/12 & it's a sad, sad occasion (for momma) only b/c he's growing up so quickly & he's my last baby....  His party will be 9/22/12.  He's grown up much faster then the twins did (so it seems).  He's been walking since 9 months & he no longer has a bottle, I stopped that a month sooner then I planned b/c I happened to run out of formula when he turned 11 months & just decided (with the knowledge of my mom).  My next goal is to get the paci away from him before he turns one & this is going to be the hard one.  He only uses it at bedtimes, but it's going to be hard & lack of sleep for a few days.  Anyways, that's about it for Jake but here is a updated picture of him.

Jake & Addi
 Jake & Addi @ the Zoo
 Here is my wonderful Trio.... Jake, Joe & Addi

So as for the twins Addisyn will be starting preschool this Thursday.  Joey will not b/c he is not potty trained.  It was a rough decision to make about either making Addi wait till Joey was potty trained, or letting her start before him since she's been trained since April.  Then how is it fair to punish Addi b/c Joey doesn't have any interest in going potty. We'll see how it goes.  That's really about all on updates or anything really new for them. 

So on another note I really don't know what's wrong with me.  I feel so very depressed in a very bad way.  I sometimes take it out on the twins b/c they frustrate me to no end w/ not listening to me AT ALL.  They make me have to serisouly scream at the top of my lungs to get them to do something.  Then I start crying b/c I don't want to be like that.  I also really don't think my husband loves me like he use to.  He shows no sign of it & I feel like we are very distance lately.  Then I think it might be all my fault.  I'm so super stressed out & it's leaving me bitter (as he puts it).  I think I've been very negative about everything.  I cry at a drop of the hat.  I told Chris people seem to be rubbing me the wrong way from the trailer & I even told him I just don't know why & his reply as the loving supportive husband he is was " You're just weird" & he didn't say that joking he was serious.  I can't even talk to my husband about what's been going on with me & how I'm feeling.  He has no sympathic bone in his body & I'll be lucky if he even listens.  I just need someone to hear me & tell me it'll be OK & everything will get better & help me thru this stage.  I want to stop being the person I am now.... I want my old self back.  Then add to it my fat disgusting body & that makes everything worse.  I have nothing nice to wear & my clothing all resemebles a very fat person of just stretch pants & fat tops.  I want to change so bad.  I've been working out on my treadmill, but after all the hard work I gained 8lbs within 3 weeks... Seriously WTF, 8 lbs that's about 2.5 lbs a week?!?!??!?!?! I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life.  I'm literally 100lbs over weight & I HATE it.  My husband HATES me & isn't the slightest attracted to me anymore.  I need him to listen to my issues & don't make fun of me & HELP ME thru this so he & my kids can get the wife/mom that I really am.  I've been the worst mom ever lately & I'm sure all my kids hate me.   Oh well I have to stop crying so I'm ending here.  I NEED HELP & I just don't know who to talk too....

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What is wrong

I really don't understand what is going on with me & why I'm feeling the way I do.  I cannot get out of my head how much of a nuisance I've been feeling lately to everyone.  I just feel like My three kids & I are so much of a bother to everyone.  We don't get invited to much anymore & it hurts my feelings so much.  I cannot even recall when was the last time I went out with one of my girlfriends just to have dinner or drinks.  I'm just really getting to the point where I absolutely love, love, love my children & wouldn't change the world for them but my life sucks in all other aspects.  I just feel so lost & like I'm stuck in a rut & I feel so horrible for my kids b/c I just feel like I'm the worst mom ever & I'm not creative so we do the same thing over & over again. 

Anyways, I'm exhausted & should probably go to bed. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Can't think of a good topic!!

I really just don't even know where to start.  I'm just so frustrated & exhausted beyond the point of speachless. 

Even though I am extremely happy with my life in the aspect of my children, I am to the point of hating it for everything else. I am now realizing that I married someone that is completely not the romantic type at all.  His father is the same way, but I did't see that till after marring him.  I should have known it runs in the family.  I am the oppisite I feed off of romance, it fuels me.  He is also so stuck on himself.  He won't even put anything down for his children.  Example I am so upset... Today I took the kids to Touch a Truck sponsered by our Cleveland Metro Parks which my Mom & Tots groups was meeting up at, but I was really hoping that Chris would want to go b/c this is a great experience for our children.  He wanted nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to stay home & lay on the couch.  I told him come on this is for the kids, do it for the kids.  He only likes going to things that will benefit him too, he's gotta get over that & realize it's not about him anymore.  I personally cannot even recall when I did something for me & not my children.  Then to make matters worse as I was pulling off Joey was screaming in the back "Mom, don't go you have to wait for daddy." over & over & over.  He told me to go home.  How am I suppose to explain that his dad doesn't want to be with us w/o making Chris look bad in front of his kids.  It's just so heart breaking b/c he works all day during the week & then comes home eats dinner  & then most nights runs off to cut the grass & isn't home till after the kids go to bed.  So they see him for about 15/20 mins a day during the week.  So then today I came home exhausted after spending the day w/ three very cranky kids & after dinner all I want to do is lay on the couch just like he was, but close my eyes for 20 minutes (when all he does is sleep whenever he is home).  As soon as I tried he jumped up & said he's going outside to power wash the fish tank (he had all day when we were gone).  Really, I mean really?!?!???!?!?! WTF I just wanted 20 mins but he cannot even handle that with the kids.  THat really, really hurt.

The kids cry it's me that has to take care of them.  He honestly doesn't even try.  He walks in their rooms & walks out & says "I don't know what to do, you go in there."  Really, your their father & we both became parents at the same time so this is all new to both of us.  Just use your damn mind for a second.  He's just always in a hurry to get in bed or drink or watch TV that he won't take time out to comfort his children.  They are only young once, so please, please just show them you care!!!!!!!!!!!!  You cannot get this time back.  I'm just so tired of doing everything & being the only responsible adult here.  It's seriously exhausting & there is only so much I can handle.  How is it that I'm never allowed to be tired when I'm the one that has the broken sleep b/c I get up with the kids whenever they have a bad night.  It's getting to the point that I get very angry with my kids to easily & I don't like it.  I have never seen myself act like this but when I do I really scare myself.  I can go on with lots of examples, but I'll spare whoever takes the time to read this I think you get the point.

I just want Chris to wake up & become a responsible parent/husband.  Start showing me effection, shit I cannot remember the last time we actually kissed & I mean a real kiss not a peck on the lips.  I honestly think it was around our wedding.  I just wish there was something that would just wake him up to reality & stop thinking about himself & realize he has to put himself last now-a-days.  It's been so long since I've put anything for myself first.  I'm scared to death of ever leaving my kids alone with him & the really sad part is he is their father, I shouldn't be this scared. 

I really need advice, really, really.  I'm getting very depressed & just don't know what to do anymore.  I want him to show me how much I mean to him & how much his children mean to him & all the time.  Please, please, please help me understand & tell me what I should do before he ruins all he has.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I change my whole view on SAHM's.

OMG, This is much harder then I anticapated.  I sometimes wish I had a job (you know what I mean) to go to just to get a break everyday.  I don't get breaks.  Plus with three two and under, HOLY MOLY.  Plus add to the crazyness the 10 month old (Jake) now walks.  OMG, I'm in soooo much trouble. I also have to watch my eight Y.O. nephew & there are moments just like any other kids that he's as bad as the twins. 

I thought today was going to be a good day b/c it started out really good, but then after breakfast all hell broke loose.  Just from the screaming & whinning & not listening to me & having to repeat myself 100 times & they still don't listen.  Then at nap time Joey decided not to nap & he also decided to push out his screen & throw everything out his window.  I told him he is very, very lucky that he didn't fall from the upstairs window b/c he could have hurt himself really bad.  Then my little one hasn't stopped whinning all afternoon (he's napping now hence why I can type this quickly before the other three get in trouble). 

Anyways, I'm seriously thinking of finding a PT job just so I can get out of the house.  Oh, then to make matters worse I got on the scale today & I'm up 6lbs, 6 freakin pounds.  WTH is going on??? so back to taking many steps backwards but I need to move forward so starting today I ate really good.  I'm thinking of finding another gym too.

Friday, August 10, 2012


Oh my I almost forgot Jake is offically a walker!!! I'm truly in trouble now.  He is doing great for 10 months (acts much older).  He recently got tested for CFS b/c he still coughs alot here & there & they wanted to rule that out.  Thankfully he passed.  So they are back to it being asthma & he's still on singular & only the breathing machine when needed.  He's at 23lbs & about 31" (almost as tall as Addi). He's been at 23lbs for a few months now.  He's still taking 3 naps a day which the first & last one are the short ones, but the last one is starting not to happen anymore.  He's down to only 3 bottles a day 2 at 6oz & 1 at 8oz & eats three regular meals a day. He's growing up soooo fast, I cannot believe my baby & my last baby will be a year in two months :-(

Well that's really about all for Jake, here are some recent photos.

Twins Day 2012 Joey, Addi & Jake

Jake 2012

Addisyn 2012
 The twins Addi & Joe @ the trailer
 All of the loves of my life.. Joe, Addi, Jake & Chris
 Daddy & Jake

Fat girl in an athletic body!!! & smoking

UGH, this weightloss journey is beginning to SUCK.  I was doing good & now all of sudden I'm stuck.  I've gained in the last week, but I'm praying & hoping that it's just b/c my good ole friend is visiting soon & I always put on 5lbs right before that time.  I need to really start straighting up my act if I wanna be at pre-pregnancy weight by next summer.  That's Pre-twins pregnancy, I'm already lower then what I weighed before getting pregnant with Jake.  I know this is disgusting, but if I can break the 270 mark I'm going to throw a party for myself, Ha ha ha.  I get stuck at 271 all the time & have been for weeks & it gets very, very fustrated.  Oh well I have to start buckling down & getting more serious about it if I really want to get down 100 lbs very soon. 

On a bright note I have stopped smoking since Monday 8/6.  I started taking Chantix on 7/30.  That stuff truly works & is AWESOME medicine, the dreams are fantastic.  I've taking this w/ Chris back in 2009 right before I got pregnant with the twins. If anyone is wondering it breaks the NEED to have one, this week I haven't craved a smoke it's more I think about what I would be doing so it's more habbit now.  I think the worst is the craving & this medicine takes that feeling away so I'm not sitting here going "OMG, I'm going to kill someone if I don't get a smoke soon."  I like that & it doesn't make me anrgy or moody either or on a short fuse.  I would recommend this to anyone that wants to stop smoking.  Thankfully my insurance covers it so it costs my only $20 a pack (thats 3 packs) but if your insurance doesn't cover it around $150 a pack, which in the long run is worth it.  So if you need all three packs it's $450 match that up to a pack of smokes a day at $7 a pack that's around $1,764 a year give or take. 

 So anywho, I see this as my first step forward, but sadly I took a few steps back on weightloss.  But you must struggle to actually suceed, right???  I will work really hard on my weightloss now & lets see where it takes us.  Hopefully there will be no more steps back..............

Until Next time!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Summer 2012

I don't even know where to start.  It's been a very busy/crazy summer.  We have spent most of our weekends at our trailer up in Marblehead just boating/swimming & drinking, but having a blast.  I attending my first Sandusky Barge Party end of June & it was ok, not really what everyone made it out to be, but I had the most fun just hanging in the water w/ all our friends back at our boat.  That was our weekend away with out kids... 

Well Jake is now 9 months & he's been taking steps for about a month now.  He's getting sooo big.  He was diagnosed with asthma & is on Singular & arbuteral (sp?).  He goes back tomorrow to see if his lungs have cleared up.  The twins have also been diagnosed w/ the beinging stage of asthma, but it seems to effect them when they get colds it goes right into their chests & that's when the problems arrise. 

The twins are still majorly in the terrible two stage & not getting better, LOL.  I'm working on trying to get Joey potty trained.  Addi is doing great w/ her potty.  She only wears a pull up at night time now (not even for naps anymore). 

Anyways, I have been truly stressed out so bad.  It is not easy taking care of 3 kids two & under & all the other mom's that do I truly envy you!!!!  I am still on Zoloft from my diagnosis of PPD, but it doesn't seem to work as well as it should. It helps me not cry at the drop of a hat but I just lose it to much.  Sometimes I just feel like the most horrible mother ever & I feel terrible for my kids.  I absolutely love them to death, but sometimes they just get me so upset that I feel like a lunatic b/c I have to yell at them at the top of my lungs.  I will admitt I am truly depressed & I do hide it to much from my friends & family.  Sometimes I wish there was someone I can truly talk to w/o feeling like an idiot exposing myself. 

Oh & for the weightloss I've been doint good but for I seem like I am stuck & just cannot get below this 270 mark.  I still have 100lbs I need to lose & this is so depressing.  I do not like getting in pictures or even looking at myself b/c I'm so disgusted I let these pregnancies get so out of hand w/ my weight.  I do go to the gym & started running again, but then I sprained my knee & was off for 3 weeks & just started getting back to the grind last week. 

Well I can go on & On about this summer, but since I finally have a chance to get on the laptop so I better go check out my other websites I haven't visited in awhile. 
Until next time..................

Here are some pictures, I couldn't take much b/c my camera isn't waterproof (which will be my next purchase) since I was in the water 95% of the time I couldn't have it on me.

Barge Party 2012...