Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Can't think of a good topic!!

I really just don't even know where to start.  I'm just so frustrated & exhausted beyond the point of speachless. 

Even though I am extremely happy with my life in the aspect of my children, I am to the point of hating it for everything else. I am now realizing that I married someone that is completely not the romantic type at all.  His father is the same way, but I did't see that till after marring him.  I should have known it runs in the family.  I am the oppisite I feed off of romance, it fuels me.  He is also so stuck on himself.  He won't even put anything down for his children.  Example I am so upset... Today I took the kids to Touch a Truck sponsered by our Cleveland Metro Parks which my Mom & Tots groups was meeting up at, but I was really hoping that Chris would want to go b/c this is a great experience for our children.  He wanted nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to stay home & lay on the couch.  I told him come on this is for the kids, do it for the kids.  He only likes going to things that will benefit him too, he's gotta get over that & realize it's not about him anymore.  I personally cannot even recall when I did something for me & not my children.  Then to make matters worse as I was pulling off Joey was screaming in the back "Mom, don't go you have to wait for daddy." over & over & over.  He told me to go home.  How am I suppose to explain that his dad doesn't want to be with us w/o making Chris look bad in front of his kids.  It's just so heart breaking b/c he works all day during the week & then comes home eats dinner  & then most nights runs off to cut the grass & isn't home till after the kids go to bed.  So they see him for about 15/20 mins a day during the week.  So then today I came home exhausted after spending the day w/ three very cranky kids & after dinner all I want to do is lay on the couch just like he was, but close my eyes for 20 minutes (when all he does is sleep whenever he is home).  As soon as I tried he jumped up & said he's going outside to power wash the fish tank (he had all day when we were gone).  Really, I mean really?!?!???!?!?! WTF I just wanted 20 mins but he cannot even handle that with the kids.  THat really, really hurt.

The kids cry it's me that has to take care of them.  He honestly doesn't even try.  He walks in their rooms & walks out & says "I don't know what to do, you go in there."  Really, your their father & we both became parents at the same time so this is all new to both of us.  Just use your damn mind for a second.  He's just always in a hurry to get in bed or drink or watch TV that he won't take time out to comfort his children.  They are only young once, so please, please just show them you care!!!!!!!!!!!!  You cannot get this time back.  I'm just so tired of doing everything & being the only responsible adult here.  It's seriously exhausting & there is only so much I can handle.  How is it that I'm never allowed to be tired when I'm the one that has the broken sleep b/c I get up with the kids whenever they have a bad night.  It's getting to the point that I get very angry with my kids to easily & I don't like it.  I have never seen myself act like this but when I do I really scare myself.  I can go on with lots of examples, but I'll spare whoever takes the time to read this I think you get the point.

I just want Chris to wake up & become a responsible parent/husband.  Start showing me effection, shit I cannot remember the last time we actually kissed & I mean a real kiss not a peck on the lips.  I honestly think it was around our wedding.  I just wish there was something that would just wake him up to reality & stop thinking about himself & realize he has to put himself last now-a-days.  It's been so long since I've put anything for myself first.  I'm scared to death of ever leaving my kids alone with him & the really sad part is he is their father, I shouldn't be this scared. 

I really need advice, really, really.  I'm getting very depressed & just don't know what to do anymore.  I want him to show me how much I mean to him & how much his children mean to him & all the time.  Please, please, please help me understand & tell me what I should do before he ruins all he has.

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