Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What is wrong

I really don't understand what is going on with me & why I'm feeling the way I do.  I cannot get out of my head how much of a nuisance I've been feeling lately to everyone.  I just feel like My three kids & I are so much of a bother to everyone.  We don't get invited to much anymore & it hurts my feelings so much.  I cannot even recall when was the last time I went out with one of my girlfriends just to have dinner or drinks.  I'm just really getting to the point where I absolutely love, love, love my children & wouldn't change the world for them but my life sucks in all other aspects.  I just feel so lost & like I'm stuck in a rut & I feel so horrible for my kids b/c I just feel like I'm the worst mom ever & I'm not creative so we do the same thing over & over again. 

Anyways, I'm exhausted & should probably go to bed. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Can't think of a good topic!!

I really just don't even know where to start.  I'm just so frustrated & exhausted beyond the point of speachless. 

Even though I am extremely happy with my life in the aspect of my children, I am to the point of hating it for everything else. I am now realizing that I married someone that is completely not the romantic type at all.  His father is the same way, but I did't see that till after marring him.  I should have known it runs in the family.  I am the oppisite I feed off of romance, it fuels me.  He is also so stuck on himself.  He won't even put anything down for his children.  Example I am so upset... Today I took the kids to Touch a Truck sponsered by our Cleveland Metro Parks which my Mom & Tots groups was meeting up at, but I was really hoping that Chris would want to go b/c this is a great experience for our children.  He wanted nothing to do with it.  He just wanted to stay home & lay on the couch.  I told him come on this is for the kids, do it for the kids.  He only likes going to things that will benefit him too, he's gotta get over that & realize it's not about him anymore.  I personally cannot even recall when I did something for me & not my children.  Then to make matters worse as I was pulling off Joey was screaming in the back "Mom, don't go you have to wait for daddy." over & over & over.  He told me to go home.  How am I suppose to explain that his dad doesn't want to be with us w/o making Chris look bad in front of his kids.  It's just so heart breaking b/c he works all day during the week & then comes home eats dinner  & then most nights runs off to cut the grass & isn't home till after the kids go to bed.  So they see him for about 15/20 mins a day during the week.  So then today I came home exhausted after spending the day w/ three very cranky kids & after dinner all I want to do is lay on the couch just like he was, but close my eyes for 20 minutes (when all he does is sleep whenever he is home).  As soon as I tried he jumped up & said he's going outside to power wash the fish tank (he had all day when we were gone).  Really, I mean really?!?!???!?!?! WTF I just wanted 20 mins but he cannot even handle that with the kids.  THat really, really hurt.

The kids cry it's me that has to take care of them.  He honestly doesn't even try.  He walks in their rooms & walks out & says "I don't know what to do, you go in there."  Really, your their father & we both became parents at the same time so this is all new to both of us.  Just use your damn mind for a second.  He's just always in a hurry to get in bed or drink or watch TV that he won't take time out to comfort his children.  They are only young once, so please, please just show them you care!!!!!!!!!!!!  You cannot get this time back.  I'm just so tired of doing everything & being the only responsible adult here.  It's seriously exhausting & there is only so much I can handle.  How is it that I'm never allowed to be tired when I'm the one that has the broken sleep b/c I get up with the kids whenever they have a bad night.  It's getting to the point that I get very angry with my kids to easily & I don't like it.  I have never seen myself act like this but when I do I really scare myself.  I can go on with lots of examples, but I'll spare whoever takes the time to read this I think you get the point.

I just want Chris to wake up & become a responsible parent/husband.  Start showing me effection, shit I cannot remember the last time we actually kissed & I mean a real kiss not a peck on the lips.  I honestly think it was around our wedding.  I just wish there was something that would just wake him up to reality & stop thinking about himself & realize he has to put himself last now-a-days.  It's been so long since I've put anything for myself first.  I'm scared to death of ever leaving my kids alone with him & the really sad part is he is their father, I shouldn't be this scared. 

I really need advice, really, really.  I'm getting very depressed & just don't know what to do anymore.  I want him to show me how much I mean to him & how much his children mean to him & all the time.  Please, please, please help me understand & tell me what I should do before he ruins all he has.

Monday, August 13, 2012

I change my whole view on SAHM's.

OMG, This is much harder then I anticapated.  I sometimes wish I had a job (you know what I mean) to go to just to get a break everyday.  I don't get breaks.  Plus with three two and under, HOLY MOLY.  Plus add to the crazyness the 10 month old (Jake) now walks.  OMG, I'm in soooo much trouble. I also have to watch my eight Y.O. nephew & there are moments just like any other kids that he's as bad as the twins. 

I thought today was going to be a good day b/c it started out really good, but then after breakfast all hell broke loose.  Just from the screaming & whinning & not listening to me & having to repeat myself 100 times & they still don't listen.  Then at nap time Joey decided not to nap & he also decided to push out his screen & throw everything out his window.  I told him he is very, very lucky that he didn't fall from the upstairs window b/c he could have hurt himself really bad.  Then my little one hasn't stopped whinning all afternoon (he's napping now hence why I can type this quickly before the other three get in trouble). 

Anyways, I'm seriously thinking of finding a PT job just so I can get out of the house.  Oh, then to make matters worse I got on the scale today & I'm up 6lbs, 6 freakin pounds.  WTH is going on??? so back to taking many steps backwards but I need to move forward so starting today I ate really good.  I'm thinking of finding another gym too.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Jake

Oh my I almost forgot Jake is offically a walker!!! I'm truly in trouble now.  He is doing great for 10 months (acts much older).  He recently got tested for CFS b/c he still coughs alot here & there & they wanted to rule that out.  Thankfully he passed.  So they are back to it being asthma & he's still on singular & only the breathing machine when needed.  He's at 23lbs & about 31" (almost as tall as Addi). He's been at 23lbs for a few months now.  He's still taking 3 naps a day which the first & last one are the short ones, but the last one is starting not to happen anymore.  He's down to only 3 bottles a day 2 at 6oz & 1 at 8oz & eats three regular meals a day. He's growing up soooo fast, I cannot believe my baby & my last baby will be a year in two months :-(

Well that's really about all for Jake, here are some recent photos.

Twins Day 2012 Joey, Addi & Jake

Jake 2012

Addisyn 2012
 The twins Addi & Joe @ the trailer
 All of the loves of my life.. Joe, Addi, Jake & Chris
 Daddy & Jake


Fat girl in an athletic body!!! & smoking

UGH, this weightloss journey is beginning to SUCK.  I was doing good & now all of sudden I'm stuck.  I've gained in the last week, but I'm praying & hoping that it's just b/c my good ole friend is visiting soon & I always put on 5lbs right before that time.  I need to really start straighting up my act if I wanna be at pre-pregnancy weight by next summer.  That's Pre-twins pregnancy, I'm already lower then what I weighed before getting pregnant with Jake.  I know this is disgusting, but if I can break the 270 mark I'm going to throw a party for myself, Ha ha ha.  I get stuck at 271 all the time & have been for weeks & it gets very, very fustrated.  Oh well I have to start buckling down & getting more serious about it if I really want to get down 100 lbs very soon. 

On a bright note I have stopped smoking since Monday 8/6.  I started taking Chantix on 7/30.  That stuff truly works & is AWESOME medicine, the dreams are fantastic.  I've taking this w/ Chris back in 2009 right before I got pregnant with the twins. If anyone is wondering it breaks the NEED to have one, this week I haven't craved a smoke it's more I think about what I would be doing so it's more habbit now.  I think the worst is the craving & this medicine takes that feeling away so I'm not sitting here going "OMG, I'm going to kill someone if I don't get a smoke soon."  I like that & it doesn't make me anrgy or moody either or on a short fuse.  I would recommend this to anyone that wants to stop smoking.  Thankfully my insurance covers it so it costs my only $20 a pack (thats 3 packs) but if your insurance doesn't cover it around $150 a pack, which in the long run is worth it.  So if you need all three packs it's $450 match that up to a pack of smokes a day at $7 a pack that's around $1,764 a year give or take. 

 So anywho, I see this as my first step forward, but sadly I took a few steps back on weightloss.  But you must struggle to actually suceed, right???  I will work really hard on my weightloss now & lets see where it takes us.  Hopefully there will be no more steps back..............

Until Next time!