Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Thursday, March 15, 2012


It's been a long time since I cried myself to sleep & woke up crying.....  Chris is the biggest asshole I ever met.  I really wish there was someone I could talk to w/o making myself feel like an idiot or looking down on me or him.  Anyway, here is the story...

Last summer while I was pregnant & home w/ our twins he was up at the trailor w/ friends & they were all out on the boat & the Coast Gaurd pulled him over & he got busted for DUI.  Well first off he didn't tell me about this until months later when he had to go to court & told me he was going to do something else & I finally got it out of him.  So first off he's been lying to me & I just brushed it off, which any normal person would have been pissed off.  This was his excuse for not telling me the truth "you were pregnant & I didn't want you to worry."  Nice but full of shit b/c he sure didn't worry any of the other times he upset me.  So anyways, he went to court again yesterday & found out they are making him do 20 days in jail.  20 fricken days, I know I'll survive w/ the trio, but it's not going to be easy.  I'm mad about this, but there is nothing I can do so there is no point to sweat about it.  They are giving him work priveldges.  Who know how much fines & cost he has to pay, he already wasted alot of money on his attorney.  So this little stupid stunt is costing us & our family ALOT. 

So he comes home yesterday around 5:30pm & I'm feeding Jake & the twins are running around waiting for daddy to bring dinner home.  The dogs are locked outside b/c they bother the twins while eating.  So you figure my brillent husband would come in the front door so the dogs don't come in.......but no he comes to the patio door & I get up to let him in & just say (in no angry, nagging tone) why didn't you come to the front door.  He opened the door & threw the bag he had in his hand & started yelling at me... "what the F.... does it matter what door I come in, why are you nagging me?!??! I can't handle this now."  Ok, WTH did I do.  I wasn't the one that was driving the boat drinking, I wasn't the one that sentenced you, then why are you taking this out on me & your kids?!?!??!?!  So basically that made the rest of the night awkard between everyone.  So I continue w/ the night doing everything myself as usual giving the trio a bath & then getting them ready for bed & feeding Jake.  Then after the twins were in bed I left for the gym at 7:30pm & I wasn't even 10 mins into my cardio when I started getting text after text telling me the kids are crying & to come home now & how he feels sick to his stomach & he cannot handle this right now, I need to come home.  I then asked him for at least 20 more mins so I can at least finish my cardio.  He started putting the guilt trip on me & saying come the 'F' home now.  So much for exercise relieving stress.  The only time I can ever get any "ME" time is the hour & a half I'm at the gym.  All I ask is please give me that much.  He is their father he needs to put his needs aside for a second & man up & take care of his kids.  Again it's not my fault he's stressed out about jail time so PLEASE stop putting this on me!!!  I felt like total shit.  So I finished my workout & came home & stopped to get him something to eat.  I didn't even want to come home that's how uncomfortable he's made it.  I'm sick of the kids & I having to walk on glass around him not knowing what he's going to blow up at this time.  So I get home & we don't say anything much to each other (another awkard moment).  He goes to bed w/o saying anything to me & I continue to clean up the kids toys (yeah, he didn't bother to do a thing while I was gone, but I'm getting use to it) & get all the kids stuff ready for my mom & dad's house tomorrow before I can lay down.  So I get upstairs & go to bed & we again don't say a thing to each other (again, this whole thing is NOT my fault quit acting like it is).  So I finally doze off & wake up to him putting the AC until in the window & turning it on.  REALLY?!??!?!?! WTF AC it's only March 14 & this is Ohio we can & probably will still get snow before Spring.  Plus it was only 69 outside, so we go off about that, b/c it's all about him (always).  So finally he says "will you just let me get some sleep" I said "sleep!?!?!? that's all you do is sleep".  So he gets mad & says "I'm leaving, I can't do this, I'm done" he kept repeating how he's done & he's leaving he's had enough (again, not my fault you're going to jail, quit taking it out on me).  I wanted to tell him to just leave already.  He then said "I'm going to quit & do nothing & make you worry about making the house payment"... You know what DO IT!!!!  This will show everyone what a man you truly are & giving up on your family b/c YOU fucked up, we did nothing.  He acts like I don't worry about money & paying the bills.. Hello idiot everyone shows stress a different way & b/c I don't take it out on my family doesn't mean I'm not worried.  Now he's got me all guilty & feeling like crap b/c I'm quiting my job come April 13 to stay home w/ the kids b/c day care is too expensive. 

So to say the least I cried & cried hard last night & didn't get to sleep till after midnight knowing I will be up at 5am to again get the kids dressed & out the door all by myself, while he sleeps.  Again, who needs sleep?!?!??!?!?!  I guess I don't.  I cried my whole way to work, I cannot handle this anymore... I'm trying to be the strong person my parents raised me to be, but it's getting hard.  I probably will not speak to chris at all today b/c he just doesn't care anymore.  I wish he'd just get over himself & stop thinking everything is about him.  He's got three precious beautiful children that are suppose to come first before anything.  I let him do so much on his own as I stay home & take care of our children & he's out playing/having fun (i really don't have a choice, someone has to be the responsible one). 

I don't know what's going to happen w/ us, I don't know what to do...I'm scared, but staying strong for my babies.  I really wish someone/thing will wake Chris up to reality!  How much more can I really take?  When am I going to break.  I really need to talk to someone, wish I can talk to someone b/c I need to get this out, it's killing me inside.

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