Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Monday, June 20, 2011

Update & Rough times!!

I have been so horrible about keeping this up-to-date & I want to beat myself up over it.  Well here is what's happened so far. 

I'm currently 24 weeks 3 days pregnant & it's been a great pregnancy so far as in no complications.  We've found out we're having a little boy & we'll be naming him Jacob Christopher.  I kinda really wish I can get my hubby off of that name b/c to many people are starting to name their sons Jacob & I'd like to go w/ another name.  I really like Brayson or Zachery, but he's stuck on Jacob.  I'm going back for a repeat anatomy scan this Thursday 6/23 so they can get a look at his heart & facial features b/c he was hiding his face.  Also I have not gained a pound yet this pregnancy I've actually lost almost 12 lbs, but I'm pretty sure I've probably made that up in the last couple weeks b/c I've been so very hungry & eating so much bad food. 

The twins are doing awesome & growing up every day which is very depressing, but exciting at the same time.  They are running around everywhere & saying more words everyday.  I just taught then how to do "More" in sign laungage & they look so cute doing it.  Addisyn can say "Bye, Bye", "Hot", "kitty cat" clearly & we're working on more words.  Joseph on the other hand has said a few words "car", "dog", "Grandma" & a few others but he doesn't say them on a regular bases like Addi does. 

On to other things.... Life is really hard right now & I'm really not sure if it's just b/c I'm pregnant & over reaacting or if it's just the frustrating really starting to come out.  I just wish my hubby would grow up alittle more and realize that drinking to get drunk every single weekend just isn't an opition anymore b/c we are not single, college kids anymore.  Right now I'm at a point were chasing two one year old around w/ a big ole belly isn't getting easier it's actually getting harder as the weeks tick away.  I really don't know what to do & I cannot say anything b/c then I'm nagging or being a bitch or whatever else he says to me.  All I want is just alittle more help around the house & w/ the kids & w/o me having to ask him over & over again for help.  It's just not fair that he's gotten so many weekends away w/ the guys while I haven't had one, not one since they were born, but he doesn't understand why not.  Most of my close friends have all grown up & are pregnant or have childern & are married, so it's harder to get out w/ them for a couple hours at night let alone a weekend or over night.  Then he gets all pissed off & yells at me or cuses & swears at me b/c then I'm not being fair.  How much more fair can I get, seriously?  I'm just getting more tired & exhausted as the days go by b/c I have to do everything. 

Example today hubby sleeps in & goes into work later & then comes home & all he wants to do is go to sleep b/c supposely his stomach hurts (a bullshit line to make me feel bad for him) but I can never feel ill... I tell him no just wait & help me for the last hour then we'll put the twins to bed & then he can go to bed.. No all hell broke loose right in front of the twins, he started swearing at me telling me he never gets a break (HELLO, what about me)???  Finally I get so upset & didn't want to look at him anymore.  I just feel like a single parent.  I even have to do all the house work b/c he's so damn lazy.  He is always drinking & going out w/ friends on the weekend & then sleeping all the next day leaving me w/ everything to do.

I feel so completely like a horrible mom.  I'm constantly yelling at the twins & get so very mad at them & for really no reason.  Then I feel completely horrible.  I don't know why I do this & if it's my hormones or what's wrong w/ me, I don't like acting & screeming like this in front of my poor babies.  I think I need help or maybe I really need a break some time alone to relax.  I'm over doing it & just so tired.  Even when we go to the trailor for the weekend it's ME that gets stuck doing everything b/c his friends want him to do this or that & he sits & drinks so I don't get to relax.  I just get the feeling he doesn't like to be around me anymore b/c I've turned into a bitch.  I wouldn't want to be w/ myself, but he needs to wake up & help me more & Let me take breaks w/o feeling guilty about it.

I really don't know where our relationship is going.  We yell at each other all the time & things just are not the same for us.  Alot has changed & hubby just doesn't show any emotion or show that he even cares about me.  I'm sick of all this negativity around the twins b/c it's not good for them or me or anyone.  My one dream was to raise my family in a loving home & w/ a dad that loved being w/ his children & put his family first before his friends, not 2nd or 3rd like we are now.  I really, really don't know what to do. 

Then bring on my job it's a joke in itself & I want out so bad but I suck & do not have any degree so I'm stupid & stuck in a ignorant job.  Hubby doesn't (won't) let me leave the City, but the only way is if I can get paid better somewhere else.  He really doesn't understand it's so stressful & hard & tiring on me.  I need to go, NOW!!!!  My talents are being wasted.  I really, really hope I can stay home w/ the children after I have this baby. 

I'm really stuck in a rough spot & very, very depressed & stressed out & very tired.  I need answers I need to know what to do.  I'm stuck!!!  Please let things turn?!!?!?!??!?!?

Here are some new photo's.

Addi ~posing at the pool.

Joey, Mommy & Addi on our boat.

Long day at the Zoo, holding hands.

Giving his sister a ride.

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