Dec 2011 - Addisyn, Jake & Joseph

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

A new day!!

Well even though it's a new day I still feel like shit.  I'm just feeling so bummed out & really depressed.  I just want to hide for a bit.

Joey was very cranky today from the moment I was carrying him down the stairs.  He was just whinning over nothing.  I felt like I was about to lose it.  Addi wasn't any better w/ her crying.  I really hate when my morning start off like that.  I already don't have enough time to myself before work & when something between the twins or the dogs don't go right & throw me off my morning routine then forget it.  Chris on the other hand went back to bed so i have no idea what the heck is up w/ him. 

Joey is now at the point where he can reach the top drawers in the kitchen & those hold all the dangerous items that he doesn't need to be playing w/.  I have bought & been asking the hubby to please install the child safety on them for MONTHS & he hasn't done it, b/c sleeping & drinking are more important then his kids safety.  Whatever, I guess I'm going to have to try to do it myself this weekend.  Just like everything else around this house.  I'm just so frustrated & sometimes just feel like giving up, but don't worry I won't ever do that to my children, they definitely need a mom.  Is it just horrible that sometimes I wish that something bad (but not that bad just bad enough to hurt, but get fixed) would happen to my hubby so he'd wake up and realize he needs to stop drinking every weekend to the point he's wasted & keeps screwing things up.  Like he has been saying his stomach hurts & last night I thought it was just a way to try to get sympathy from me so he can go lay down, but he took off today b/c of it & I'm secretly wish that it's b/c of his drinking & taking pain pills while drinking is finally screwed up his stomach.  But I only want it to the point where he will get better w/ doctor care & finally taking responsibility for his family.  I hate thnking this way but I cannot help it.  I also sometimes hope that something happens to me where I'm put in the hospital for a few days (but nothing serious for the baby nor me) just so he can see what it's like to be left alone w/ having to do everything himself w/ no help. This is the most horrible way of thinking ever & I really don't want to be away from the twins I'm already dreading having to stay in the hospital after this baby is born. 

Well I guess I better get going.  I've got alot of thinking to do.  On a good note.. .. I get to see baby Jacob again on Thursday at my ultrasound.  Whoo Hoo, just hope all is still going great.

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